Sanity Update:
So, we are nearly to the sanity breaking point. I keep checking the weather, going to the big picture window and looking out into my yard, checking seed catalogs for seed sewing timelines, and longingly looking at flights to Florida... I can't take much more. I'm thinking of just getting 47 space heaters, a tiki umbrella, and 8 cubic feet of sand and making my living room into Florida.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Rogue Pepperoni
This past weekend was absolutely terrible. Not to mention my cabin fever, which by the way is not a billable disease... stupid HMO's, but to top the sundae I had a gall bladder attack. I thought I was a) having a Heart Attack, b) having an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm and c) just dying in general. It all started off with an innocent pepperoni and ended with a crack head trying to break into my room.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Why is "Teflon Nose" Even Acceptable?
Okay, I realize that I rant and rave on here a lot about the things that irk me and just tick me off in general. But there are a few things about women that really truly cut me to the core and one of them includes plastic surgery. I am all okay and dandy if you want to cut yourself up into tiny pieces that's fine but leave the 'enhancements' alone. You look ridiculous, trust me.
Friday, January 14, 2011
For the Love of My Birthday
Reasons Why My Birthday Is Better Than Yours:
1.) Everything is Pink and Purple and heart-a-licious in February
2.) I can get heart shaped candy boxes and the candy selection in general is much better than any other time of the year except for possibly October.
3.) I look forward to turning another year older so there is a reason to celebrate.
4.) The air smells better this time of year than any other time. It smells new and I know you know what I mean.
5.) Everyone is happier once February rolls around. The entire mood of any group of people changes in February; it's refreshing!
6.) Spring is a month away, always encouraging.
7.) Everyone has to do what I say because it's my birthday.... all month long!
8.) The seeds and garden stuff come out in Target during February.
9.) Speaking of Target, the Global Bazaar always hits the end of January early February. Trinkets are always fun to look at.
10.) Fertilizer, forced bulbs, dirt, and Orchids.... you know that smell in Home Depot's green house.
11.) People start wearing brighter colors for the impending spring-ness. Totally better than black, brown or blue. No offense to the Emos.
12.) The sunlight changes to a nice bright white/lemon yellow.
13.) The snow starts to melt and everything gets muddy... so much nicer than ten inches of dirty snow. Even if I have to clean up muddy puppy prints all over my house.
14.) You can go outside with a thick sweatshirt on and not an official coat.
15.) You can finally have sunlight for more than 4 hours a day.
16.) I get to pick my cake. Granted I have to make it but still, it's fun going down the cake aisle looking
at all the boxes, frostings and little candy decorations.
17.) I get to make sappy little poems about love and my birthday but mostly about me.
18.) I think of where I want to go for my birthday dinner months in advance. This year I am debating over Indian or Steakhouse. Still undecided as of yet.
19.) I get to make lists of all the things I want to do for my special day. Lists are my favorite.
20.) It's about me and I'm super narcissistic during this month. Deal with it. :)
1.) Everything is Pink and Purple and heart-a-licious in February
2.) I can get heart shaped candy boxes and the candy selection in general is much better than any other time of the year except for possibly October.
3.) I look forward to turning another year older so there is a reason to celebrate.
4.) The air smells better this time of year than any other time. It smells new and I know you know what I mean.
5.) Everyone is happier once February rolls around. The entire mood of any group of people changes in February; it's refreshing!
6.) Spring is a month away, always encouraging.
7.) Everyone has to do what I say because it's my birthday.... all month long!
8.) The seeds and garden stuff come out in Target during February.
9.) Speaking of Target, the Global Bazaar always hits the end of January early February. Trinkets are always fun to look at.
10.) Fertilizer, forced bulbs, dirt, and Orchids.... you know that smell in Home Depot's green house.
11.) People start wearing brighter colors for the impending spring-ness. Totally better than black, brown or blue. No offense to the Emos.
12.) The sunlight changes to a nice bright white/lemon yellow.
13.) The snow starts to melt and everything gets muddy... so much nicer than ten inches of dirty snow. Even if I have to clean up muddy puppy prints all over my house.
14.) You can go outside with a thick sweatshirt on and not an official coat.
15.) You can finally have sunlight for more than 4 hours a day.
16.) I get to pick my cake. Granted I have to make it but still, it's fun going down the cake aisle looking
at all the boxes, frostings and little candy decorations.
17.) I get to make sappy little poems about love and my birthday but mostly about me.
18.) I think of where I want to go for my birthday dinner months in advance. This year I am debating over Indian or Steakhouse. Still undecided as of yet.
19.) I get to make lists of all the things I want to do for my special day. Lists are my favorite.
20.) It's about me and I'm super narcissistic during this month. Deal with it. :)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Why Americans Kinda Suck
As an American, I like to consider myself cultured and tolerant of anyone and everyone. Heck, we are all from somewhere else originally so I go with it. However, Americans to anyone outside of the U.S. are the RUDEST bastards ever! Even I think we are kinda horrible at our ignorance and I am the meanest person I know!
Have you ever noticed the tightly wound Debutante who just keeps talking louder to the person who speaks absolutely no English at all? Yes, please keep screaming at them until they get it! LOL! What about the "cultured" old lady who makes wild hand gestures to the man that is stone deaf and is just laughing to himself at her awkward, bizarre and overly dramatic hand gestures? Or the people who try to make up signs to the deafy so that they can understand but end up injuring themselves in their pursuit?
I realize that language is a huge barrier in cultures but as a fellow dumb American I only really know enough Spanish to get me in trouble and enough Sign Language to sign naughty words. In the States, my generation wasn't really given much of an opportunity to learn another language and it really wasn't necessary until now. Does this give me a pass card? I want to say yes but the answer is no. I just don't want to look like the idiot waving my hands wildly around, playing charades with someone who can't understand me but is pretty sure I am mentally retarded.
So here is to New Year's Resolutions and learning the other half of the languages I was properly taught but have sadly forgotten.
Have you ever noticed the tightly wound Debutante who just keeps talking louder to the person who speaks absolutely no English at all? Yes, please keep screaming at them until they get it! LOL! What about the "cultured" old lady who makes wild hand gestures to the man that is stone deaf and is just laughing to himself at her awkward, bizarre and overly dramatic hand gestures? Or the people who try to make up signs to the deafy so that they can understand but end up injuring themselves in their pursuit?
I realize that language is a huge barrier in cultures but as a fellow dumb American I only really know enough Spanish to get me in trouble and enough Sign Language to sign naughty words. In the States, my generation wasn't really given much of an opportunity to learn another language and it really wasn't necessary until now. Does this give me a pass card? I want to say yes but the answer is no. I just don't want to look like the idiot waving my hands wildly around, playing charades with someone who can't understand me but is pretty sure I am mentally retarded.
So here is to New Year's Resolutions and learning the other half of the languages I was properly taught but have sadly forgotten.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
This Blog Brought To You Today By The Letter S & The Number 12
Since becoming a new mother I have had a crash course in how to take care of a child. Granted, I have baby sitting experience and nanny experience but I've never been given an infant for an extended period of time. I have had to learn quickly and "wing" a lot of stuff because I basically didn't pay attention to babies ever before. I mean when you're told having children is not an option you kind forget how to care for an infant and replace it with more important information, like "did I put deodorant on today"? So far so good on the baby raising thing. She's clean, fed and generally pleasant so I put that in the "Win" column.
Here are somethings I don't understand about parenthood. Why are all Nursery Rhymes and songs inherently evil? I mean "Ring Around the Rosie" is about the Bubonic Plague and people rotting to death. Stick some flowers in your pocket so no one can smell your stench. Why not just sing Rob Zombie to them? The Itsy-Bitsy Spider... yeah, about how life sucks and you will never get ahead. Way to be positive and upbeat for your progeny! I have also psycho-analyzed Sesame Street and decided that it too is evil but with numbers and letters. Where is Thumbkin? Child abandonment! Where IS Thumbkin? Ahh well, we can always breed another one! Meh! All of Beatrix Potter's books are about naughty children and death. Peter Rabbit's dad gets put into a pie and he decided that he could tempt fate himself and over eat in Mr. McGregor's garden and nearly gets killed himself. Jemima Puddleduck? A fox tricks her into laying her eggs in his woodshed and locks her in to murder her and eat her and her babies. These are classics yet we continue to scare the crap out of our children with these handed down stories and rhymes.
Also what I don't understand, the Huggies Enjoy the Ride program. I have 50 points from 8,000 packages of diapers and wipes. I was so excited about this tally that I decided to look what I could get with my "rewards" points from the umpteen packages of diapers.... Total DISAPPOINTMENT! For 649 points I could get a Huggies water bottle. Yeah, like the ones that you get for "insert occupation" recognition week. Or for 12,000 points I could get a Huggies t-shirt. So by the time my child is in college and I have collected every stinkin' point from everyone I know, I can get a t-shirt for butt cloths. :/ Fantastic.
Okay, the monster is getting fussy and tonight we are trying rice cereal for the first time. This should be interesting. I will post pics if I can figure it out. Remember I am old and crusty.
Here are somethings I don't understand about parenthood. Why are all Nursery Rhymes and songs inherently evil? I mean "Ring Around the Rosie" is about the Bubonic Plague and people rotting to death. Stick some flowers in your pocket so no one can smell your stench. Why not just sing Rob Zombie to them? The Itsy-Bitsy Spider... yeah, about how life sucks and you will never get ahead. Way to be positive and upbeat for your progeny! I have also psycho-analyzed Sesame Street and decided that it too is evil but with numbers and letters. Where is Thumbkin? Child abandonment! Where IS Thumbkin? Ahh well, we can always breed another one! Meh! All of Beatrix Potter's books are about naughty children and death. Peter Rabbit's dad gets put into a pie and he decided that he could tempt fate himself and over eat in Mr. McGregor's garden and nearly gets killed himself. Jemima Puddleduck? A fox tricks her into laying her eggs in his woodshed and locks her in to murder her and eat her and her babies. These are classics yet we continue to scare the crap out of our children with these handed down stories and rhymes.
Also what I don't understand, the Huggies Enjoy the Ride program. I have 50 points from 8,000 packages of diapers and wipes. I was so excited about this tally that I decided to look what I could get with my "rewards" points from the umpteen packages of diapers.... Total DISAPPOINTMENT! For 649 points I could get a Huggies water bottle. Yeah, like the ones that you get for "insert occupation" recognition week. Or for 12,000 points I could get a Huggies t-shirt. So by the time my child is in college and I have collected every stinkin' point from everyone I know, I can get a t-shirt for butt cloths. :/ Fantastic.
Okay, the monster is getting fussy and tonight we are trying rice cereal for the first time. This should be interesting. I will post pics if I can figure it out. Remember I am old and crusty.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Dogs Are Legal Again
Lucky Dog and Cinder-ella have been certified legal and annoying. They have a license to prove it and now I remember why I didn't bother with buying dog licenses before. 1) It's kind of expensive especially of you don't get your tags by the end of February and 2) the irritating noise that happens every time one of the flea bitten rascals scratches at said collar. Unfortunately, my "back" yard is really my front and the stupid Dog Catcher people always stalk me. I can't deny that I have dogs because there is like 800,000 dog toys and just as many "dog piles". (yeah, I don't pick it up... meh.)
I just wish that they made non-metal or plastic coated dog tags because let me give you a little scenario that just happened. Okay, so my dogs are ridiculously crazy and love to bark at anyone and everyone that runs by our yard. My street is the one that connects 3 different neighborhoods here in good ole' Burtucky. So let's just say that there is a lot of foot traffic by flaky teenagers. Well, if you let your dogs bark too much you get a nasty-gram saying stop letting them bark. I wish I could send a nasty-gram to the teenagers mothers that said "please stop letting them breathe" but apparently that's illegal or something.
I don't let the dogs stay out for very long because it's cold and they bark so I brought them back in and of course they found the only 2 of the 800,000 toys out there that make the most noise. After just having put Tiny Toes down for her nap I got a wee bit angry at the squeaker action taking place right outside of her door. No, they couldn't take the super loud and annoying toy elsewhere and they took right to her door, apparently to show her what they found and then they both decided to scratch the crap out of their bright shiny new collars with super loud cow bell attachment. As you may well know mother's of collicky babies, especially grumpy ones that are teething, once the monster is asleep no one in a 20 mile radius should make noises. You guessed right, she awoke as grumpy as ever not impressed with the disgusting squeaky toy; it was an outside toy for a reason.
After giving both the dogs the mommy evil eye and skulking into The Gremlin's room to rock her, I came back out on a mission. I was going to take away that stupid toy no matter what expect the joke is on me.... because it is MIA until a later napping date. Unfortunately, the collars have to stay on for identification purposes and such. Not that anyone who has ever walked in our neighborhood couldn't figure out that those two goofy looking dogs are mine. Heck the neighbors would probably just open the gate and let them back in.... after all my hard work of trying to accidentally let them out. Meh. :/
Such is life,
-Suzs
I just wish that they made non-metal or plastic coated dog tags because let me give you a little scenario that just happened. Okay, so my dogs are ridiculously crazy and love to bark at anyone and everyone that runs by our yard. My street is the one that connects 3 different neighborhoods here in good ole' Burtucky. So let's just say that there is a lot of foot traffic by flaky teenagers. Well, if you let your dogs bark too much you get a nasty-gram saying stop letting them bark. I wish I could send a nasty-gram to the teenagers mothers that said "please stop letting them breathe" but apparently that's illegal or something.
I don't let the dogs stay out for very long because it's cold and they bark so I brought them back in and of course they found the only 2 of the 800,000 toys out there that make the most noise. After just having put Tiny Toes down for her nap I got a wee bit angry at the squeaker action taking place right outside of her door. No, they couldn't take the super loud and annoying toy elsewhere and they took right to her door, apparently to show her what they found and then they both decided to scratch the crap out of their bright shiny new collars with super loud cow bell attachment. As you may well know mother's of collicky babies, especially grumpy ones that are teething, once the monster is asleep no one in a 20 mile radius should make noises. You guessed right, she awoke as grumpy as ever not impressed with the disgusting squeaky toy; it was an outside toy for a reason.
After giving both the dogs the mommy evil eye and skulking into The Gremlin's room to rock her, I came back out on a mission. I was going to take away that stupid toy no matter what expect the joke is on me.... because it is MIA until a later napping date. Unfortunately, the collars have to stay on for identification purposes and such. Not that anyone who has ever walked in our neighborhood couldn't figure out that those two goofy looking dogs are mine. Heck the neighbors would probably just open the gate and let them back in.... after all my hard work of trying to accidentally let them out. Meh. :/
Such is life,
-Suzs
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