I am by no means a Southern Belle. However, I do pride myself in certain aspects of manners and social graces. I know when it's appropriate to swear in public, how to spit without looking like Roseanne Barr and how to squat and pee without getting caught or urine on your clothing (thanks Dad!). I know that it's probably a good idea to always dress in a way that is casual but classic when going out, so that you are prepared for anything. I know from Google search, that if there are multiple dollar signs next to the restaurant, you should probably wear a dress and expect a wine menu.
I know that I harp on Walmart.... let's see here, ALL the time but seriously that is the best Sociology experiment known to man! I realize that even when shopping you don't have to have your hair done, full makeup on, or dressed to the 9's to go to Walmart. But with recent events and trips to and from there, I try to make sure that is how I go in to that store. I do NOT want to be caught on People of Walmart; under no circumstances is that ever an option. Let me go through some lists of Walmart No-No's:
Forbidden Attire:
- Pajama Pants, Lounge Pants, anything with Budweiser on it, Zebra Workout pants
- Tube tops, on anyone
- Bathing suits or bathing suit attire
- Leggings, Jeggings or Uggs
- Fringed Leather Cowboy Jackets
- Acid washed denim
- Cut off shorts
- Halter tops
- Tweety Bird/Taz/Roadrunner shirts, sweatshirts, pants, pajamas
- See thru anything, on anyone or anything in general. Mesh looks good on no one besides strippers named Candi.
- House shoes or slippers. Really, Crocs are like $5.99 in aisle 15.
- Dirty clothing. Seriously you couldn't take the time to roll off the couch 5 minutes before you left so that the you could change into something that didn't have Cheeto dust on it?
Forbidden People:
- The Toothless, stick in your dentures.... PLEASE!
- People posing as cripples. I know it's a Super Walmart but grab a cart and walk off the Cheetos and the gallon of pop you are about to buy. Save the Amigos for the little old ladies with broken hips.
- Straw Deal Food stampers. We can see your friend just hand you the money... you aren't fooling anyone with your Bridge Card schemes!
- The Emos. I'm sorry you're so sad but my kid thinks you are scary so please stop growling and showing your new fangs to everyone!
- Tour Groups. Really, you paid $495 to go to a Super Walmart in.... (drum roll please) Michigan?
- Old men hitting on young women. We don't like things that sag on us, let alone on you. Catch my drift?
- Mothers who don't want to discipline their child or just scream at them from afar. No don't go correct them or tell them that they need to stop throwing candy on the floor and smashing it, just stand there and bellow across 47 check out lanes for your progeny. I'm sure Demonquetia can hear you from this spot, I mean the acoustics are fantastic in the giant, metal and cement store.
- Mothers who discipline their child too much. Ie: taking off a slipper, flip flop, house shoe, back-smashed-down dirty tennis shoe and smack the CRAP out of their kid.
- Any one that looks like they missed the Rob Zombie or Alice in Wonderland casting call. Halloween was months ago put it away lady, just put it away.
Forbidden Actions:
- Sticking things in the gum display. JUST HAND IT TO THE CASHIER!!! It is ten times easier to hand it to them then having to fish spoiled meat out of the candy section because you had second thoughts about a pot roast on Thursday.
- Picking up merchandise, carry it around with you for the next 15 minutes and then saying, "you know.... I just don't think a lime green bra will work with my skin tone. Electronics is totally where it belongs." WRONG!
- Hogging up the aisle. We've all done it at one point or another on accident or just to be a jerk. If you did it on accident, say you're sorry and move along. If you're doing it on purpose, Imma run my cart into your gigantic bottom and enjoy it. Sorry but I can only clear my throat so many times before "move the heck outta my way" comes flying out of my mouth.
- Cutting me off at the check outs just because you didn't want to be the 50th person in line. I mean 49th is special but really, we all have to wait our turn so let's be a little more adult about this.
- Glaring at me because I have a million coupons. I'm sorry but it saves me money and I can use a little more of that these days. All of mine are in order and the right way, if something goes awry it's not my fault it's the cashier's, promise!
- Not adding up your total before you get to the check out. Can we all round up to the next dollar? Yes and thank you Price Is Right for teaching me that. Standing at the checkout, hawk-eyeing your total and saying, "Can you add this and then give me the total?" This is fine the first 5 times it happens but when you get through 75 items of your order this way it really ticks me off. Grab a calculator next time and keep track so that this doesn't happen again or novel idea here.... USE SOME COUPONS!!
Alright, alright I will stop my Walmart Creature bashing. Read these over next time and make sure you do not commit one of these Walmart felonies. It will save me from blogging about you next week.
-Suzs
I know that I harp on Walmart.... let's see here, ALL the time but seriously that is the best Sociology experiment known to man! I realize that even when shopping you don't have to have your hair done, full makeup on, or dressed to the 9's to go to Walmart. But with recent events and trips to and from there, I try to make sure that is how I go in to that store. I do NOT want to be caught on People of Walmart; under no circumstances is that ever an option. Let me go through some lists of Walmart No-No's:
Forbidden Attire:
- Pajama Pants, Lounge Pants, anything with Budweiser on it, Zebra Workout pants
- Tube tops, on anyone
- Bathing suits or bathing suit attire
- Leggings, Jeggings or Uggs
- Fringed Leather Cowboy Jackets
- Acid washed denim
- Cut off shorts
- Halter tops
- Tweety Bird/Taz/Roadrunner shirts, sweatshirts, pants, pajamas
- See thru anything, on anyone or anything in general. Mesh looks good on no one besides strippers named Candi.
- House shoes or slippers. Really, Crocs are like $5.99 in aisle 15.
- Dirty clothing. Seriously you couldn't take the time to roll off the couch 5 minutes before you left so that the you could change into something that didn't have Cheeto dust on it?
Forbidden People:
- The Toothless, stick in your dentures.... PLEASE!
- People posing as cripples. I know it's a Super Walmart but grab a cart and walk off the Cheetos and the gallon of pop you are about to buy. Save the Amigos for the little old ladies with broken hips.
- Straw Deal Food stampers. We can see your friend just hand you the money... you aren't fooling anyone with your Bridge Card schemes!
- The Emos. I'm sorry you're so sad but my kid thinks you are scary so please stop growling and showing your new fangs to everyone!
- Tour Groups. Really, you paid $495 to go to a Super Walmart in.... (drum roll please) Michigan?
- Old men hitting on young women. We don't like things that sag on us, let alone on you. Catch my drift?
- Mothers who don't want to discipline their child or just scream at them from afar. No don't go correct them or tell them that they need to stop throwing candy on the floor and smashing it, just stand there and bellow across 47 check out lanes for your progeny. I'm sure Demonquetia can hear you from this spot, I mean the acoustics are fantastic in the giant, metal and cement store.
- Mothers who discipline their child too much. Ie: taking off a slipper, flip flop, house shoe, back-smashed-down dirty tennis shoe and smack the CRAP out of their kid.
- Any one that looks like they missed the Rob Zombie or Alice in Wonderland casting call. Halloween was months ago put it away lady, just put it away.
Forbidden Actions:
- Sticking things in the gum display. JUST HAND IT TO THE CASHIER!!! It is ten times easier to hand it to them then having to fish spoiled meat out of the candy section because you had second thoughts about a pot roast on Thursday.
- Picking up merchandise, carry it around with you for the next 15 minutes and then saying, "you know.... I just don't think a lime green bra will work with my skin tone. Electronics is totally where it belongs." WRONG!
- Hogging up the aisle. We've all done it at one point or another on accident or just to be a jerk. If you did it on accident, say you're sorry and move along. If you're doing it on purpose, Imma run my cart into your gigantic bottom and enjoy it. Sorry but I can only clear my throat so many times before "move the heck outta my way" comes flying out of my mouth.
- Cutting me off at the check outs just because you didn't want to be the 50th person in line. I mean 49th is special but really, we all have to wait our turn so let's be a little more adult about this.
- Glaring at me because I have a million coupons. I'm sorry but it saves me money and I can use a little more of that these days. All of mine are in order and the right way, if something goes awry it's not my fault it's the cashier's, promise!
- Not adding up your total before you get to the check out. Can we all round up to the next dollar? Yes and thank you Price Is Right for teaching me that. Standing at the checkout, hawk-eyeing your total and saying, "Can you add this and then give me the total?" This is fine the first 5 times it happens but when you get through 75 items of your order this way it really ticks me off. Grab a calculator next time and keep track so that this doesn't happen again or novel idea here.... USE SOME COUPONS!!
Alright, alright I will stop my Walmart Creature bashing. Read these over next time and make sure you do not commit one of these Walmart felonies. It will save me from blogging about you next week.
-Suzs
No comments:
Post a Comment