What's Your Snore Style?

Sanity Update:
Things are getting to a critical state.  I have brought out the space heater but the dogs seem to be hogging it.  Maybe a big, red union suit would help with the situation?  I dunno, but the spring bulbs I'm currently forcing need to pop the heck up and start making pretty flower smells with sunshiny colors or my hair may turn white.  (eye twitch)

In an attempt to poke fun at my husband while still being married and happily at that, I will gently tease the general public about snoring.  Here goes.

There are many snore styles out there to annoy and keep your significant other awake.  Find which style is yours! :D  (... and consider marriage counseling when the teasing doesn't work... 0_o)

The Stalled Chain-saw:
This generally starts off very innocently enough with a few little "runnnaaahhhnaaahnaaah runnnaaaahnnaaahhhnaahh" sounds that barely make it over the whisper level and it usually ends with a full blown, gassed up chain-saw.  It starts when the Life Partner rolls over onto their back and peacefully nods off to sleep.  Shortly after multiple pulls on the chain-saw cord it turns into a rip-roaring, full on, shove the pillow over their face kind of snore.  Usually ends up with a *"knife hand" maneuver from annoyed Life Partner.

The Chicken Cluck:
Again, this is the usual result of *"fish flopping" onto the Life Partner's back.  This isn't a true snore but a pseudo snore coming from the inflamed portions of the Pseudo-stratified Ciliated Columnar Epithelium of the nose.  Let me try to demonstrate the noise in words. "huuuuuuClickkaaah,  huuuuuCLuckaaah"  Best way to defeat this snore, "knife hand" or the *shoulder push.

The Bear:
This is the result of a cold and too much cold medicine.  The Life Partner is so stuffed up and snotty that their nose is beyond help.  Add on top of that the cold medicine and you've got a sticky situation with Yogi.  Picnic baskets will not work, I have tried.  Life Partner is propped up on 74 pillows gathered from various levels of dust around the house, is currently wearing the nerd nose strip (sexy) and has so much Tylenol Cold in them they could sleep 'till next week had they not had a cold.  LP starts on their back, then gets frustrated from falling off Pillow Mountain and resigns to sleeping on their side, arms wrapped around themselves in a self-pity style hug.  The snore starts off as a low buzzing sound then turns into a wheezy, mucus filled roar resulting in annoyed and not yet sick LP to first check frequency of breathing then tell them to go lay on the couch and stop infecting the Love Den.  This maneuver never works and always results in a fight at 2 a.m. but there isn't much else to do with a grumpy bear.  Meh...

Peeling Paint:
Also known as "Too Much Whiskey".  Pretty much self explanatory, this one.  This is the overly tired Life Partner who crawls into bed, still in their clothes because they are too tired to take anything off of their body, ie: lazy.  Again, "fish flopping" onto the back is involved and LP is too tired to even respond to knife hand, shoulder push and screaming maneuvers.  It's best to just go sleep on the couch and call it an even score.  I mean, you can't sleep, they can't hear you and you will have to pick out new paint colors for the Love Den.  Play up the "annoyed at having to re-decorate"-ness so that you can spend MORE money when it's all said and done.  Go for the Craftmatic bed if you can swing it so that LP doesn't have to hunt for throw pillows and you can dust less.

Definitions:

Knife Hand-  The knife hand maneuver is best done in quick succession of each other.  You straighten out and tighten up your fingers into a blade like shape.  Then very quickly, as to not get caught, you strike the annoying one in the ribs resulting in laughter and pain.

Fish Flop- LP launches straight off of the bed into mid-air, turns 38.4 times around and then lands on the mattress upsetting annoyed LP while making the most noise and movement as possible.  Also, extra bonus points go to the LP that can effectively steal all the blankets while doing this maneuver.

Shoulder Push-  Simple enough,  you take a semi knife hand and jab it into LP's shoulder as hard as you can to wake them up with as much force as their snoring woke you up.  You may want to scoot back a wee bit as to not have a elbow land in your eye.


:D
-Suzs