Every year I loathe Christmas. And not because I'm Ebenezer Scrooge or anything it's just that something always goes awry. There's 27 holiday parties to attend, 57 cookie baking swaps to do, 40 kids to buy for and 31 parents to write cards to. I am exhausted by December 12th every year and completely sick of Christmas.
I do this to myself each and every year. I set myself up for failure right out of the starting gate by telling myself that this year will be different. I won't burn 4 dozen sugar cookies, show up an hour and a half late for dinner, or scream at anything this year.... it's going to be different, promise! Let's look back at some comical times in my family's Christmas past.
Christmas 2007:
I don't really remember much about this Christmas except that my husband's affinity for Nerf guns turned into the Christmas Day Shootout. It was spontaneous and fun and has never been quite duplicated since. We have tried but it's never been quite as fun. Nothing says Merry Christmas like shooting your brother in the face with a sticky Nerf bullet. I think somehow I offended someone this Christmas. Oh yeah wait, it was my mother because I didn't invite her over for the big family dinner due to the awkwardness factor of her and my dad being in the same room together at the same time. I was a bad child that year.
Christmas 2008:
Let's preface this by saying that I had already had Strep Throat 4 times by Christmas this year. Wake up 2 days before Christmas and it hurts to listen. Kids screaming with excitement for Christmas, forcing myself to go to work during my stint as a nanny and cringing when I had to move, talk, walk, blink, drink, smile, scold, craft or anything else that required breathing. The back of my head felt like it was going to blow off but I "manned up" went to work and carried out Christmas plans. After completely offending my brother by trying to pay for dinner and not understanding that he wanted to pay his own bill, I finally had enough sense to maybe check the back of my throat. I remember being really disoriented whilst coming out of the bathroom and saying to my husband, "Honey, I don't feel very good. I'm running a fever and it looks like there are bloody, white spots on the golf balls. I may need to go to the hospital." Mind you, it's Christmas night and no one is open but the hospitals and possibly the Jewish gas station down the road and just a little insight, I hate going to the doctor much less the hospital. My poor husband knew it was serious when my first line of thinking was hospital. Meanwhile, my poor uncle had to witness this and be around my horrible contagiousness. Let's just say he left real early in the morning and I really haven't seen much of him since.
Christmas 2009:
This was the Christmas I didn't know I was pregnant yet and thought I was going insane. I kept falling a lot and tripping over things, dropping things and crying at random times. I really thought I was loosing my mind and it didn't help that the rescued dog wouldn't leave my side. I just kept thinking I was either dying or delusional. So in between hormonal shifts I made my way over to my mother's for dinner. My mother is one of those ladies that never sits down much less stops moving the entire time you are in her presence. She's got ADD like woah, I love her to death but it's exhausting to watch her move around like that. I always feel like I need a nap after going to her house. Well my mother was acting the part of Greek Mother and forcing food and cheer on every one. She kept bugging the heck out of me and I had finally had it. I yelled at her, "IF YOU DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE I'M GOING TO STAB YOU IN THE EYE WITH THIS FORK!" She left me alone and I sat there and cried. Again, thinking I was dying. A week later we found out we were expecting our little monster and I felt a tiny bit better about my freak out.
Christmas 2010:
After pinching the nerve in my back yet again this year and having 4 family parties to go to I am a bit, how do you say.... flighty? I can't remember if I took a shower let alone what time to be somewhere. My mother in law is great at covering for me. "Oh hun, you know we're always glad to see you!" It makes me laugh how accommodating she is and how off the wall I can be. I tend to show up early to places by accident but this year was really bad.... I have been running late. Again, I will blame the Tiny Toed lil monster I just had cut out of me 3 1/2 months ago but it's been bad. I showed up to the previously offended brother's house an hour and a half late. I thought that everyone was joking that they had already eaten. I thought I was only twenty or so minutes late. Yeah, no. I was super late. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world right now. So, after all was said and done I took my cheese ball back home with me and plan to eat that bad boy for breakfast! Merry effin Christmas to me!
After re-reading this before posting I have realized I am a jerk. Not that this will change much in the future but man, I kinda suck. Ah well, there's always next year!
Merry Christmas!
-Suzs
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